Friday, September 29, 2006

Zoom Zoom Zoom

When I decided to start blogging I wasn’t sure if and how often I would write about my feelings, moods, or daily adventures. My personal delusions of adequacy prevented me from taking any real time to contemplate how much bipolar depression content to include in this blog. I did some shameless self promotion with sites that I frequently visit. I believed that I could occasionally generate some clever or profound thoughts about Michigan and national politics and other issues of the day. So far, I have one fellow blogger that liked something I wrote. No problem.

As I have begun to better understand my bipolar mind, my concern has also been that I may not be consistently adding to my blog. I want to make a serious effort at writing. My personal history of projects started and abandoned makes me worry a little. I once was all gung ho about buying and selling rice pattern china on eBay. I made some good money selling my coin collection and assorted memorabilia. I have a great eBay seller’s rating. But, I stopped that enterprise about a year ago and I haven’t had the enthusiasm to continue.

My life has had a series of starts and stops. Interruptions and what I thought was procrastination seems to have always been a significant part of my freaking roller coaster life. I was within 3 semester hours of completing my Master’s Degree Program in Educational Psychology when I just quit. That was about 10 years ago. I have not been able to fully explain why I haven’t tried to finish that degree. Money is one factor – but …

I do know what the trigger was that sent me down a dark hole before ending my studies. One fucking horrible stressful and career altering event crippled me. Then while I was being counseled and starting what I knew would be a life-long course of anti-depressants I was the victim of two automobile accidents. I didn’t deserve nor earn the despicable and slanderous attack on my character and livelihood that sent me to see a shrink. It happened. I survived. And, I will forever be pissed at a bully, bigot, and _________ that was a former colleague.

So, I am concerned that this blog may be one more project that is set aside and left incomplete.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist. He will tell me that I am improving because I have taken care of one more of the things in my life that has been a major source of depression – my neck. He doesn’t know that I had surgery or that it was ever scheduled. My visit to the orthopedic surgeon was two days after my last head shrinking. My surgery was scheduled two weeks later and now I am recuperating. It happened so fast that I am still processing it. I may finally be free of most of my physical pain.

My meds will be adjusted tomorrow. A new med may be added to the psychiatric cocktail that I take each day. I will show him the fresh scar on my throat and tell him that I have been manic all month. I didn’t even sleep in the hospital after waking up in the recovery room. I wanted to – but couldn’t. I can’t remember when I last slept more that two or three hours.

Diana and I have been cat napping together in a recliner in our formerly cat-free guest bedroom since my return home from the hospital. The oddest thing about napping with this cat is that Diana has not slept with or on top of me since she was a kitten. She and her litter mate, Fergie, are nearly 12 years old. Fergie frequently sleeps beside me in bed or at my feet. Diana never did.

We always describe Diana as being special. She has a few behaviors that make us wonder about her sometimes. These past weeks have been extraordinary for me as she has insisted upon sleeping with me. She cries at the door until we let her in the bedroom. As I have been wearing a neck brace since my surgery, I have been sleeping in a recliner for support and ease. Having our Di Baby purring on top of my blanket has been very comforting.

Well, so much for my version of “Friday Cat Blogging” and this slice of my bipolar life.

What a ride!

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