Thursday, February 22, 2007

Personal Revelation

In the midst of my mind storm, the condominium associtation's criminal acts, my possible small claims court action against the association, and other shit stayed quiet long enough for me to begin perseverating about my biggest regret. I can't tell you how many linking thoughts got me to that question. I can say that when I answered the question I realized that I could then begin an exhausting game of "what if?"

So, what if? Too many of my life events have been directly related to that "regret" so I'll just speculate about what could have happened. My childhood bipolar depression may not have been severe. I could have formed trusting and caring friendships. I could have been willing to go to my parents had I known about manic depression and recognized my symptoms. A teacher or a counselor may have recognized it had teachers been trained in childhood abnormal psychology.

Perhaps my grades in school would have been better if I had learned to channel my periods of hypomania........

My first kiss may have been romantic. The loss of my virginity may have been well-planned and my co-conspirator would have been a guy I cared for and knew well. I may have come out late in my teens and would never have imagined marrying a woman.

I can imagine that I never developed enuresis nor had thoughts of suicide if it continued... I can imagine that I never was hypersexual, never tried drugs, never risked my health and life, never was so full of anger and guilt, and never so sad, hopeless, and helpless...

Perhaps, I would have shown the world the face I was born with and not the one I wore to keep it from learning my secrets, my shame....

My world would have been so different. I came to grips with my sexuality one day after some psych class and I literally stopped and asked myself if it was possible -- would I want to be straight? When I told myself -- Hell no! -- that discussion was over. This exercise in exorcism is based on what might have been -- but it is too late. My world is what it is and I live with it. And, I still love life and want to live it for quite awhile. Yes, my world would have been so very different had I just walked past that fucking door.


No comments: