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Sunday, July 15, 2007

Survival


I know physical pain. I know emotional upset. I know inexplicable rage when something goes awry. And, I know the deepest level of despair and hopelessness.

Some suicidal folks that I am acquainted with just have the thoughts that dying would be easier than embracing life with all of its pain and opportunity. Some have a "just in case" plan to die if they reach that horrid point of despair that they remember all too well. The plans may be somewhat vague or not yet completely thought through.

What I find hard to imagine is a person with thoughts of suicide who holds back from telling the medical professionals (who are regularly visited) about those thoughts. We all must be honest about our thoughts, actions, and anxieties when we visit our pdocs and our family doctors. If unable to do that we risk the rejection of help from everyone and we risk taking that one giant step towards despair.

No doctor can help you if you remain silent about your pain and illness.

The truly frightening suicidal persons have materials gathered, highway bridge abutments studied, or a distant motel chosen and are prepared to take action when they reach that last level of hopelessness and despair. Sometimes we can reach out and pull them back, if we recognize the "signs". When unsuccessful we must not let our minds accept any guilt. The survivors are not responsible for anyone's suicide.

I once had a real dip-shit plan that resulted in a professor's call to whomever and the calvary arriving before I figured out what I should have been doing "right". The next and somewhat better plan was interrupted with violent vomiting due to an overdose and the "final" phone call to my ex-bf. After the pendejo snidely informed me that my suicide attempt wasn't really serious because I hadn't cut my wrists properly the despair and hopelessness was stymied. I soon accepted the fact that I am a great person and that anyone that doesn't like me is losing out on a good friendship... fuck'em.

Suicide.

NO! I have not reached that level of hopelessness and despair for a very long time. I love life and look forward to many more years of living with love, joy, peace, and contentment. Oh, shit, there is that Bipolar II thing, some chronic pain, and right now a broken back rib (that's another story for another day) --- but I don't give a rat's ass --- I am living with the body I have and a mind that still marvels over blooming plants and the majesty of mountains. This life is not over and there are so many things to do and see during the rest of my life.

I am alive and we are doing quite well, thank you...
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