Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Places You'll Go

I lied.

Well, actually, I didn’t. The fact is that after having affirmed that I was actively reading all of “my” blogs, even though I was sporadically posting, I stopped reading all of the blogs written by my bipolar “friends” for a couple of weeks. I finally caught up last night.

I don’t know why I stopped. (I really did read all the “newsy” blogs.)

This is what always seems to happen with me. How the hell can any of us that live with bipolar disorder explain the tangents we take off on, sometimes leave briefly, and/or never return to complete? How many projects have I left undone? How much time and treasure has been spent to satisfy a fleeting whim? I hate it. Really.

One of my bipolar friends is currently fighting a recent and prolonged foray into the fantasy world of one of those online adventures. Her obsession is probably much like any other that she has faced – all consuming and dangerously interfering with her life. God, I know how easy it is to escape and avoid facing the real world. Addiction? I don’t think so. I tend to believe that no matter what the distraction is, her “problem” and many of mine in the past and present are temporary. It is the damnable nature of the bipolar disorder rollercoaster.

Addiction? Oh, yes, bipolar disorder certainly contributes to the severity and difficulties folks have with any bad habit and especially with a life altering addiction. I can’t blame “My Great Addiction” on my freaking depression and hypomania. It just becomes worse when I am teetering on either end of the extremes of my swinging moods. My family and friends may think they know what MGA threatens my life. They’re wrong.

My blogger friend’s current troubles with that game could well end tomorrow, but something else will come along the next day, next week, next month, or in the next moment. I am afraid that deep seated problems seem to be expressed with all their horror in compulsive behavior and, perhaps not so much as in the expert’s definition of addiction. And, all we can do is fight and wait. We wait for the next climb or deep plunge of our cars on this bipolar coaster ride. Oh, yes – a thrill a minute.

I actually started writing a rather honest and raw account of My Great Addiction yesterday. I accidently deleted it and I made no effort to hack my computer to recover the file. Perhaps, I’ll try again. Later. For now, all I hope for is that my friend will experience great waves of self-awareness and is successful at finding a more productive activity. But, of course, if we just wait awhile longer – it will pass.

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