Friday, January 30, 2009

Health Check

I've been reading some very raw personal stories of folks living with Bipolar Disorder in one of the blogs that I check out each day.  I admire the courage that those folks have demonstrated in putting it all out there for anyone to read.  I'm not sure that I can do the same.

Yes, I have written about my bipolar coaster ride.  Yes, I've exposed a great deal of personal information and some of the crap that has affected my life.  Unfortunately, I have yet to summon the courage that it would take to write about the most horrendous facets of my personal struggle.

It is much easier to escape from life than to face it.  Somehow, I need to lift myself up, ignore my own kicking and screaming, and get on with healing and living.  I find it ever so hard to believe that I never had the courage to tell a counselor or p-doc about some very important incidents that happened in the past.  And, yes, along with the brain imbalance that is Bipolar Disorder, those critical events are part and parcel of the whole phreaking shebang.  In fact, I'm certain that even now I might also have a case of post-traumatic stress disorder.  Facing what happened to me as a child and what happened to me as a young teen is nearly impossible....

When I was just 14 years old, I was raped.  I was lured from my home, taken on a deserted country road, and raped.  You know, when I finally had the courage to tell the last p-doc (and the one that diagnosed my Bipolar II), he was the one to clearly and bluntly say the word -- rape.  Gods, the shame.  (I know -- it was not my fault)

And, in the last days before my "run for the border" I also told him about the other traumatic event that happened when I was a very little boy........

I can't do it today.  I can't write about it here and, perhaps, I never will.....


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